


Unimaginable

by irondadismyreligion



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Canon Temporary Character Death, F/M, Hamilton Lyrics, Hamilton References, Hurt Peter Parker, Parent Pepper Potts, Parent Tony Stark, Pepper Potts Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is Tony Stark's Biological Child, Song Lyrics, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-01-29 09:04:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21407668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irondadismyreligion/pseuds/irondadismyreligion
Summary: “You’re playing. And singing.” Tony raised his head to meet Pepper’s eyes.His voice cracked.“I just wanted to hear him, I guess.”Reflecting on the death of his son years later, Tony mourns Peter through a song from his son's favourite musical. Inspired by 'It's Quiet Uptown' by Lin-Manuel Miranda.
Relationships: Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 14
Kudos: 160





	Unimaginable

**Author's Note:**

> All credit goes towards Lin-Manuel Miranda's amazing lyrics for the song, 'It's Quiet Uptown', which has inspired the title and this fic. Enjoy!

_ “Dad? I don’t feel so good.” _

Tony was haunted by these words. They crept up on him in the dark depths of the night, preying on his most vulnerable thoughts until he woke, convulsing and crying out Peter’s name. He had to force himself to breathe, every single time, and Tony thought that maybe if it weren’t for Pepper and Morgan, he wouldn’t try so hard to. The tremors that caress the trails of Tony’s spine each time he sobs in Pepper’s arms were all-too-familiar. 

Tony could never seem to shake the memory of his son crumbling to dust. When the flashbacks got really bad, Tony would wish for his memory to be wiped. 

But then, he would cry out of guilt. The only thing worse than the memory of his child’s death was the thought of not remembering Peter at all. For all the pain and suffering, Tony would never relinquish the memory of Peter. Never in the world, could he do that. 

Tony was there. He saw his child vanish away into dust. Peter crumbled into ash, confused and afraid and absolutely helpless. It was a parent’s duty to comfort their children in their times of anguish and fear. To fix all of their problems. Tony had failed. As an Avenger, but most importantly, as a parent. 

The moment his son slipped from his fingers, so too did Tony’s world. Just like that. 

Peter’s unrestrained, contagious laughter would never dance upon his father’s eardrums again. Tony would never run his fingers through Peter’s uncontrollable curls once more. Tony would give up the world just to do that one more time. 

Peter would never bound into the lab after school again, smothering his father in a hug from behind as Tony worked on another version of the suit. Peter would never hijack FRIDAY and put on some atrocious musical soundtrack that would make Tony complain over and over whilst secretly getting addicted in his own time. 

Peter would never get that excited look on his face after bringing up plans for new web-shooters and simultaneously explaining a new meme to his dad. There was this great, indescribable void left in their lives. 

No more Peter. 

There was no point in ignoring the truth, and yet he tried every day. It was irrevocable. Tony could do nothing to get his son back. Reckoning with this was the most difficult process Tony had ever been through. No one could compare to the experience of losing a child unless they themselves had. The probability that many others in the world were participating in this mass grieving did nothing but sink his spirits. Tony wouldn’t wish that feeling on his worst enemy. Except for, well, Thanos. 

Thanos was another nightmare altogether. Tony couldn’t describe his hatred for that heinous, cruel excuse of a creature. How dare that man take away his son? How dare he reduce his child to faded memories and photographs that did no justice to Peter’s real smile? 

The gaping hole formed inside Tony’s chest never faded. If anything, it grew. He tended to disagree with the cliche, ‘time heals all wounds’. Time does not heal all wounds, it feeds them. You just learn how to pick up the pieces and carry on the best you can. Time allows you to adjust, never to heal. 

It grew when he took his first steps back on Earth and had to tell his wife, his child’s mother, that Peter was gone. Pepper’s already frail emotional state needed no more coaxing to become close to catatonic. He saw his wife disappear, retreating into herself as she fought away the grief of losing her child. He too was a shell of himself, and it took both many months to accept what had happened, to a degree. To see Pepper, so empty, so unlike herself, was excruciating, and a constant reminder of their shared loss. Some days, it hurt just to look at her. To see Peter’s eyes reflected in hers, so desolate and barren. So devoid of life. 

It grew when, a year after his son’s death, Pepper fell pregnant. They had moved outside of the city and finally learned how to breathe again when the news came. Tony had taken Pepper’s hand in his, and they’d cried silently together at the foot of their bed, clutching onto each other like a lifeline. 

It grew when he held Morgan in his arms for the first time and smiled through the tears down at his little girl. Nothing hurt more than knowing Peter would never meet Morgan. That she would only grow up knowing her brother through stories and photographs. Even though there was this new, encapsulating love for Morgan, the loss of his son still lingered under the surface, ever-present and just as raw. 

It grew when she took her first steps. He remembered when Peter did the same years and years ago, fumbling around until he stood on his feet and took a brave chance on his small, baby-sized toes. Tony had sobbed in his room the first time his daughter called him “Dada”. The words were jolting and all too painful. It had been too long since he’d been called that. 

It grew when Morgan drew her first family portrait. She didn’t quite understand why, after her father smiled and ruffled her hair, he had to excuse himself from the room. Tony clutched Peter’s photo to his chest in the hallway, a stray tear crawling down his cheek as he registered Morgan had only drawn three figures. 

After that, Tony and Pepper made an effort to talk about Peter, to ensure she knew that they were a family of four, even if one of them was gone. Spider-Man became a nightly favourite for bedtime stories. Tony pretended not to hear Morgan whisper to the framed photo of Peter on her nightstand late at night when she should have been sleeping. Sometimes, Tony did the same thing. 

The thing Tony would miss most about his son was his voice. Peter sang beautifully and had grown up playing the piano beside Tony, just as he learned it from his mother. When they moved upstate to the cabin, Tony ensured that they would have room for the piano. To know that his son’s fingers danced so angelically across the very same keys was both a euphoric and gut-wrenching feeling. He could almost visualise his son at the bench, biting down on his lip as he fiddled with a new melody. 

Tonight, Tony found himself sitting at the piano bench, fingers lightly pressed on the keys, searching for a piece, or remnant of Peter. Tony remembered clearly the songs Peter loved to play. Most often, from the musical Hamilton. The kid was obsessed, singing the tunes every minute of the day, insisting to his parents that the music was ‘just so relevant’. Tony never really understood his fixation on the musical, but apparently, it had helped the kid out on some History final and the songs just stuck. 

Tony remembered taking Peter to see the show for his birthday. The tickets were planned months in advance, front-row seats for the three of them. He burst out in tears when they removed the blindfold and he looked up at the sign. It was one of his happiest memories. 

So Tony began to play. His voice was soft and raspy from the lack of use. He hadn’t sung in a long, long while. But it finally felt like the right time. 

_ There are moments that the words don’t reach _

_ There is suffering too terrible to name  _

_ You hold your child as tight as you can _

_ And push away the unimaginable _

The words resonated on an untouchable level. Words, try as they might, truly couldn’t describe the terror and absolute horror of losing a child. Of holding onto Peter so tightly as he crumbled away into nothingness. Tony had pushed away from the possibility of losing his son, even after Peter’s death. Their loss was simply put, unimaginable. 

_ The moments when you’re in so deep _

_ It feels easier to just swim down _

For the first year or so, Tony and Pepper plunged into a world of darkness. At the time, it felt like it was the most reasonable thing to do. They were so deeply entrenched in their grief, it slowly became them. It took a lot of time for both to emerge from below. They had to, for Morgan. 

_ It’s quiet uptown, I never liked the quiet before.  _

Tony was certain that they wouldn’t have survived their grief if they had stayed in the city, or even at the compound. A clean slate was what they needed. A stark contrast to what they had before. It felt wrong to live their lives as they had with Peter when he wasn’t there to share in it. The hustle and bustle of the city, once a welcome distraction, was no longer necessary. 

_ If I could spare his life _

_ If I could trade his life for mine _

_ He’d be standing here right now, and you would smile _

_ And that would be enough _

What Tony would give to trade his life for Peter’s. He’d spent an ungodly amount of hours bargaining with death, to take him instead. To give the young boy, so full of potential and heart, a second chance. Without a moment of hesitation, Tony would give it all up to see his son returned home to Pepper. For Peter to stand and give Pepper the biggest hug, for his wife to smile, life returning to her eyes. 

_ I don’t pretend to know the challenges we’re facing _

_ I know there’s no replacing what we’ve lost _

_ And you need time _

Tony and Pepper had been plunged into the deep end. There was no knowing if they would sink and drown, or float to the surface. Morgan never replaced Peter, that was impossible. They loved them equally and unconditionally, but another child never made the loss of one feel less encompassing. Their hearts just expanded. Tony’s fingers rested on the keys, unable to play any longer. 

A warm, comforting hand rubbed at his shoulder. Tony leaned into its embrace. Pepper placed her other hand at the base of his neck, smoothing over the loose tendrils of his hair. 

“Bad day, honey?”

He nodded, wiping at his eyes. He hadn’t realised he was crying. “The worst.”

“You’re playing. And singing.” 

Tony raised his head to meet Pepper’s eyes. 

His voice cracked. “I just wanted to hear him, I guess.” 

She sat down next to him on the bench, her fingers resting delicately on the keys. Her light, angelic voice began to sing, the melody intertwining with ease. 

_ There are moments that the words don’t reach _

_ There’s a grace too powerful to name _

_ We push away what we can never understand _

_ We push away the unimaginable _

Peter’s death was the worst pain Tony and Pepper could ever endure. Losing a child was the pinnacle of true suffering. For a long time, his passing was incomprehensible. It just didn’t make sense. Children were supposed to outlive their parents. They pushed his death away, simply not believing it in their hearts. 

_ If you see him in the street _

_ Walking by her side, talking by her side, have pity _

_ They are going through the unimaginable  _

The last notes of the melody were soft and intangible. Tony buried his face in his arms and sobbed for his boy, Pepper’s arms wrapped around him. They sobbed for the kid that was never coming home. The boy who wouldn’t meet his sister, or meet the love of his life, go to college, or get married, or have children of his own or do absolutely none of those things if he chose to. They wouldn’t see their boy, growing up, happy, achieving triumph after triumph like he should have. Peter deserved the world, and in the end, the world was taken from him. 

It wasn’t fair. 

The image of his kid, crying out in his last moments would forever be ingrained in Tony’s mind. Tony wanted his kid back. More than anything in the damn world. 

They truly were going through the  _ unimaginable _ . 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> What did you think? Please let me know :) I love getting feedback on my work. Have a great day!


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